Mark Zuckerberg Has Dorm Syndrome

Well, it's lunch time in the Cave, which usually means eating at my desk and watching Woody Allen movies on NetFlix, or facebook-ing. Yes, I am ashamed of myself for using the word "facebook" as a verb, but thanks to Mark Zuckerberg (or Suck-erberg, hahaha, fistbump!), the word is very much a part of the cultural lexicon.

Friends and I were drunkenly discussing the facebook phenomenon, critiquing its new format, debating on whether it's ahead of the times or if the times simply adapt themselves to whatever facebook decides. We came to a sad conclusion that on the most part, present company included, a drastic change in facebook is usually met with a lazy shoulder shrug, a wave of the hand, and an obligatory, "Eh, just trust facebook, I'll adapt to it sooner or later."

So is facebook taking advantage of our generation's rampant ennui, or is Signore Zuckerberg the patron saint of our collective apathy? He is only a 24 year old college dropout who started a website to rate the ladies of his not-quite-alma-mater. This site, however, has morphed into the facebook you all know and love, landing him on Time Magazine's The World's Most Influential People List for 2008, the cursed cover of Forbes magazine, and into the hotseat of being one of the country's youngest CEO's ever. Pretty impressive, until you actually see this douchebag:














Boom. Adidas sandals? And I trusted this asshole? Adidas sandals, every time all the time. This isn't a fucking swim meet, you rich prick. We're not in a dorm shuffling from our bedroom to the showers. We're running a multimillion dollar company and cyberstalking each and every one of our clients. At least wear dress socks. Or better yet, lets do a little Mark Zuckerberg Exchange Program: I'll slip around in your sandals and NorthFace fleece, chestbumping my fellow douches all day, and you come wear the dorkyasssshit I wear to work and put in a 9-to-5 in the Cave. You wouldn't last an hour.

Zuckerberg looks like the kind of dude who roofies the Gatorade at a high school girls field hockey game. So it's no wonder his newly amended Terms of Service is essentially an internet gangrape on your rights, allowing facebook ownership of anything and everything you post, always and forever. Beware Zuckerberg. I know you're standing on the mountain that is facebook, looking down at your minions, chanting "I own you" while high fiving yourself, but there will come a day when you're nothing more than a synonym for Friendster.

So I have a new motto: Don't Trust Facebook. In order of this motto, I will be making t-shirts:



Contact youwillgetpapercuts@gmail.com if you're interested in purchasing one.